Some questions on Star Wars

Warning, spoilers below.

I finally saw the Star Wars movie yesterday. I liked it while watching, and I'd watch it again, though on reflection there are some grievances, or just questions I had while watching or after watching that it'd be nice to have answers for... I'll probably research some after I post this. So break out the pizza rolls, it helps if you read everything below in that voice.

Why are there so many tiny kids in the audience? This is a PG-13 movie. Did their parents not see Episode 3, or are they comfortable with the possibility of their kids seeing on-screen amputation and dead children and flesh-burning? Maybe they just trust Disney is a family friendly company like Nintendo and would never be too violent...

Why is Rocky Balboa piloting an X-Wing? If he's the resistance's best pilot, is he Force-sensitive but doesn't know it?

Is the name Poe coming into fashion? What's with that name? I don't remember his last name either, if it was given. The only other Poes I know are the ones in Zelda.

The new robot is cute, but Disney learned how to make cute robots years ago, so I can only see him as Sphere Wall-E. And only the real Wall-E deserves my sentiments, your same tricks won't work again Disney. Where is R2D2?

The new Sith guy is pretty intimidating... He must be strong with the force to freeze a blaster laser in mid-air and then take his full attention off it. Not even Vader could do that...

What's the new Sith guy's name? I didn't catch it.. Kysomethingsomething. I'm going to call him Darth Revan's Mask.

He has a master who is also the supreme ruler... I forgot his name too.. Something short and beginning with S... I'm going to call him Darth Onimi until proved otherwise.

We later learn Darth Revan's Mask is the son of Han and Leia. I'm going to call him Jacen.

He's having issues using his mind probing on ReiRey. Is it because she's Force-sensitive? Or is it because they're twins?

Where did he get Darth Vader's mask?

Where did the 1000 year old bat get Anakin's/Luke's lightsaber? Does she also have Luke's hand? Has she made a clone army of Lukes?

Is the black stormtrooper a clone of Mace Windu?

Why is C-3PO's arm red?

Where's my Slave Leia fan service? Oh wait, nevermind. Leia did not age well. Why did they give her so much screen time?

Hey it's R2D2! Hey that cute droid is getting close... maybe that cute droid is R2D2 in disguise and is returning to his old body now? Oh, no, R2D2 is just in a low-powered state ever since Luke left... Of course, that asshole. R2D2 is the biggest asshole in the whole series. He's a robot sociopath. (You know it to be true.)

So the super duper stationary one-time-use death star blows up a system making up the new republic... Why do I care? Is the Resistance under their command, or do they have their own army that failed to protect them? Do any of the main characters have family or friends there? How populous were those planets?

So the Resistance gets word that their system is the next target, and quickly comes up with a last ditch plan to save themselves. While the plan is being executed they all sit around at their command center on the planet. Couldn't you command from a ship? Couldn't you start evacuating as many people and supplies as you can, just in case? If you fail you will all die, versus only a majority of you, and the least important majority, if you try evacuating now...

Hey it's that strict female grey Stormtrooper commander again. What, you think she'll lower the shields because you're threatening her life? No, you're gonna have to blow stuff up, she'll never -- oh she lowered the shield... this was all for the garbage compactor reference wasn't it?

Wait, Revan's Mask's name is Ben? Then who is Luke's kid? Will Luke have a kid in the new canon? What will he name the kid... Anakin?

No, Han, he's going to kill you to make himself stronger in the dark side!

Called it. Also ha-ha little children in the theater.

See, gonna need to blow stuff up.

Fin and storm troopers in general obviously had some blade combat training, but surely he's no match for a Sith Lord who also used to train under Luke, even if the Sith Lord is finding it painful to do anything since he was shot pretty good.. Oh wow, Fin's putting up a fight.. God damn it that stupid hilt came in handy. Hey now Rey will fight, and she's winning... Did neither of Ben's masters teach him the forms of lightsaber combat? I know Luke never learned any and only defeated Vader with the beating-down-with-hate technique... but in 30 years maybe he found some holocrons that taught him what every other Jedi before him knew? Did he keep that knowledge from Ben? Because Ben's technique was as poor as his opponents'...

Why doesn't he just use his over-powered Force powers? He should have been able to freeze Fin and Rey in place and then cut them. Or surely he knows Force Lightning by now?

Oh, he hasn't finished his training as a Sith...

Why didn't Luke say anything?

Where was Boba Fett?

J.J. Abrams is a master of ripping off the old canon. He got all the major locations in, desert world, forest world, snow world. All the major scenes and moments from the older movies. We even got a hand decapitation, huzzah. The overall plot follows A New Hope quite closely. But it feels okay this time, unlike what he did to Star Trek. So it was a fun movie. Even if I'm left feeling empty afterwards. (Edit: gwern made the comparison that it is "substantial & satisfying as movie theater popcorn". Perfect analogy for how the movie feels while watching and later after watching, when the popcorn is gone.) I saw the Han death coming miles away and so that pivotal moment didn't do anything for me -- I was only surprised that he was run through as opposed to Ben stabbing them both by activating that stupid hilt.

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Posted on 2015-12-27 by Jach

Tags: rant, reviews

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