Jach's personal blog

(Largely containing a mind-dump to myselves: past, present, and future)
Current favorite quote: "Supposedly smart people are weirdly ignorant of Bayes' Rule." William B Vogt, 2010

Ramblings About Love 4

Putting a placeholder post here for now... Kinda want to write about something (mostly to clarify my own thoughts a bit more) but it's sort of the thing that better belongs in my journal instead of on this blog. If I change my mind, I'll edit this post, and by virtue of not being the newest (ideally) it will probably only get attention from those who seek rather than by accident.


Well, it's now 11/11/23, let's try drafting up some ramblings. (A few minor parentheticals added on 12/7.)

Since that's what this is, a sequel to ramblings about love 3, making this part 4.

Warning, mostly unfiltered and crazy text below. It's only interesting to read if you want a glimpse into my dumb mind.

So... I fell in love again. And it's sad and pathetic, again, because it's once again unrequited and unlikely to change. And yet with some differences, making it even more sad than the first time, we'll get to that.

So many crazy thoughts came back, too, though the repetition makes for a few interesting twists and new ones to come in to join the party. I know that you can't care less ... One day you tell me 'I love you and only you'. I wake up to find out it was a dream ... I hate myself for falling in love with you just to find out all I did was trouble you. It's not my first time, actually it's nothing new, but that doesn't make it any easier to get through. ... Even though I might be gone forever, there will always be a place in my brain that will think of you. You look so graceful when you're flying, keep going, there's a lot of world that you haven't seen. You have my best wishes, even if only in silence you deserve everything that you've ever dreamed.

I 'met' her on March 10th last year. Over the following month, as I got to know more about her, her personality and her thoughts and values, I started developing increasingly strong feelings. By August or September I realized it had developed into love. I 'met' her again more personally in December last year. She's so beautiful. Now basically a year later, I still am in love with her. Sigh.

Part of me is grateful. In my last ramblings, I had lost sight of what love even means, and was skeptical I'd ever feel it again. Yet here it is, and I know it by its familiarity. Even the intensely negative thoughts I haven't experienced for a long time, I'm somewhat grateful for. And it's been funny to see myself experience and learn to dismiss new forms of jealousy that don't make any rational sense.

As written before but to state it another way, my heart had been open a crack, willing to admit possibilities, sometimes taking more active steps (like that one-time date) to court the possibilities rather than just being purely passive about them happening or not. But it never committed. I did let myself indulge in some idle fantasies about two very sweet Japanese vtubers. (They're still around in new bodies but I barely watch them now; before I used to watch every stream even at the expense of sleep and doing my best at work... It doesn't help that my Japanese knowledge is still pathetic.) That period did help me internally clarify some things though with respect to my wishes. See, when I had lost sight of the meaning of love, and whether I'd ever find a woman, I had also lost sight of what I even want. I still don't have a super clear picture of what I want, but at least I know a lot about what I don't want, and unfortunately for me those undesirable things are rather common, at least in America. Yet their lack, and the presence of the desirable things, aren't impossibly rare. And my cope is that even though I'm now 0 for 2 in as many decades at finding reciprocal love (I'm sadly pretty confident that #2 won't develop that way even though I wish so much otherwise), the fact there has been a second girl I love with all my heart gives me just that tiny bit of hope that maybe, maybe, maybe, when I'm in my 40s (if I make it that long; if the world makes it that long) there could be a third one. If so, I hope it's not too late. I actually would like to try the family experiment with this one... even though the kid(s) would never meet my mom, and my mom would never get that grandchild experience she so so so wanted. (Come on Jach, don't tear up.)

One major difference with the first girl is that back then, we started as friends, and remained friends. I still don't talk to her much now, but she's willing to talk to me when I initiate, and we even met up again for a lunch this last summer. This second girl though is so much more... one-sided. I mean, we have had one on one conversations and a bit of written back and forth too, but they're brief, and I have yet to have the pleasure of something as simple as treating her to a meal at a restaurant. (And I know others have done so -- paid to do so rather, a different type of one-sided thingy that no longer seems on the table or at least has not been offered and I haven't yet brought up; one of my flaws/bad behaviors is that I sometimes pretend not to know about things I do actually know something about because revealing I do know reveals how deep and frankly creepy my harmless (imo) obsessions and research dives can go sometimes.) I can't even say we're friends, because there's still a firewall between us, and she has to be the one to knock it down if she ever does. (There are complications to doing so even if she secretly wanted to, easy to get in trouble. I don't fault her. Those complications are also part of why, against my admonitions in previous ramblings that say I should do otherwise, I haven't straightforwardly told her I love her and wish we could enter a relationship somehow (I'm willing to relocate), like I did for the first girl. Also I'm still not fully certain if she's actually only interested in girls (and can't blame her, I like girls too~) but just not yet resolved her feelings or commitment to a relationship with one.) Our interactions also have a backdrop of money to them, which is somewhat annoying (especially in a certain 30% way) and from the start I've thought can by itself tank any hopes of something more. (Though I also concluded at the start, and sort of forgot until recently (now it's december), that realistically there never will be anything more to tank. That is, the outcome will be the same with or without that backdrop, so might as well help her out a bit if she doesn't make it weird.) Still, I don't really regret it, even thousands in so far (directly or indirectly) (and notably that she never asks for or uses to treat me with favoritism; I'm glad to not be treated with favoritism due to such a simple thing, if I was I'd probably stop; and she could milk me for a lot lot lot more and I'd actually be ok with it but she doesn't; she's no gold digger and I deeply appreciate that; and I hope she knows that I know that money in general doesn't buy people's feelings), and I believe I've at least saved her some hours washing dishes or something she'd rather not do, or if still doing it then at least buying a few more nice things earlier than otherwise. It's good that she's not dependent. But anyway, our interactions have a backdrop to them that precludes what I consider actual friendship, and there's a path dependency that I hate finding myself on where I can fantasize having had a different path leading to a different outcome. (Probably not, but I'm still grasping for hope. Even hope of just friends..)

For her sake I've tried to dissociate my online identities more than they ever have been, but it's not close to flawless and I could pretty easily trace multiple paths leading to learning certain things, so others with determination could too. (But honestly she doesn't take her own opsec carefully enough.) If any (fellow? sorta joking~) schizos are reading this, I see you: reflect on morality and try your hardest to avoid creeperism. (Impossible for us sometimes, I know.)

One aspect of love I had forgotten about, because so much of my last experience was me trying to stop loving, is its power to motivate. I'd like to experience the full motivation I think is possible -- that of reciprocal love, and perhaps even especially if children are involved. But for a time, especially last year, I had some motivation to try new things and pick up some old ones again. To highlight a few... A rewarding game I get to play her in sometimes too. I wrote some poetry, including one for her. I made her a dreamcatcher (that I assume is either thrown out or in a box; her nightmares never stopped but she doesn't talk about them as much anymore so who knows). I have some software in the works for her, but we'll see. It became too obvious for my brain to pretend to ignore at some point last year after I asked her a counterfactual question that in reality she doesn't give a flying rat's behind about me (to use a phrase my mom liked, I think). She's incredibly kind, too! But incredible kindness to everyone is not the same thing as specialized caring that is necessary for a relationship, even a strong friendship. So yeah, that's not great for motivation. But for now I want to keep supporting her in various ways, while I'm able to, while I'm still feeling like it, while she's yet accepting it (some time I'll tell her about the remark in the last rambling on how hurtful it was to hear the refusal of support from the first girl because of it being a reminder of me), while she's yet working so hard on her own, while she's not yet felt the spark of maddening attraction to someone. (Too bad I can't be her prince charming/I'm just Jach, probably alarming/Random male better dead or in jail.) Unless signs change (and I desperately hope they do and am still entertaining actions that maybe somehow increase their probability) I'm already at the point of trying to stop loving her, my goal is to not be damaged by this for another ten years like the last one, but even a few more isn't that unlikely at this point. While I continue to love her, which ain't stopping soon (and I dream never), my heart is once again closed to alternate possibilities. It's sad but this is my life.

I know there's no chance. But... I'm allowed to dream, right? I've had so many silly fantasies, waking or asleep. At least for now I hope it's ok and my future self forgives me this time. Maybe one day she'll tell me to buzz off, as I've told her she can do any time. I almost want to buzz off on my own -- in a very indistinguishable-from-having-died sort of way. L'appel du vide.

(Funnily enough I was entrusted with being in charge of some bday stuff for her this year. I'm glad to finally be of some service. Just gotta not mess up (too badly).)

Posted on 2023-02-02 by Jach

Tags: fodder, personal


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