It's probably over

Back home after a month trip (Japan Trip 6, will make a separate post later). It's so nice to be home.

It was a great trip. But at the end I did force myself to verify something I had been expecting and assuming for nearly 3 years (let's call it summer 2022) -- I kept finding reasons to add 9s to my 99.99...% certainty, I think I ended on 7 nines -- but it's good to have that final bit of clarity and kill any lingering doubt, hope, or ambiguity. It'll hopefully let me heal and move on.

But yeah, it's probably over, because of it... by that I mean I should probably back away from a lot of things once more, unfollow and unsubscribe to a lot of accounts, re-evaluate life, and close this recent chapter. Reminds me of my previous obsession with MLP. The start of this chapter is arguably my descent into watching a lot of vtubers, which I believe started sometime in 2019. By 2022 I was almost done, but since March 11th, 2022, I was brought back, at least for one vtuber in particular. But yeah, might be time to fade away...

In 2021 Sephira Su graduated, I think it was the first time I cried a bit over one. There were no hints of a rebirth, I thought maybe in a year she might be back, but who knows. Later on my other favorite, Suzuhara Lulu, also graduated, but it hurt less because I kinda knew about her idol past life and figured she'd be ok and start streaming again. I used to watch every Lulu stream (and those who know, know that's a lot of time commitment at less than ideal west coast USA hours...) but now just occasionally tune into her dual flesh/vtuber channel. And Su eventually did return as a legally-distinct fortune telling vtuber... but unfortunately a little too late. I think her return on either June 10th or June 11th overlapped with a couple normal Coyo streams (this or this) and I remember trying to keep up with both but in the end focusing mostly on Coyo.. I also have an archive from her idol performance in Dec 2023 (I think) that I still haven't watched... But anyway, yeah, pretty sure around that time (so summer 2022) I realized I only cared about Coyo now... and it's been that way since, really. But I have to move on, I think. I'll still watch her so long as she's active, of course, but I won't feel bad if I miss some streams live. Especially as I don't really like Tekken 8 at all, and that's been most of the streams last year, those will probably be lower priority.

We'll see how much I actually disappear and pull back. But I'm not planning to kill myself (yet -- we'll see when I reach the deadline of October 2030) or anything, despite maybe an imperative suggesting such that has become a frequent thing I'll repeat to myself when standing around waiting for something.

As usual, my weight remained the same before and after my trip, despite crap tons of walking and such. Stupid gout got in my way a few months ago losing weight, but I have to try again, and after at least dropping 15 pounds I need to get back to weight lifting, my loss of strength and flexibility has become annoying. I doubt I'll like looking at myself any more than I do now when I get my old strength back, but at least I'll have some strength again. (I don't blame anyone for not liking me, I don't like myself either.)

Edit: been back home for a week now, calmed down some. Still feeling detached from everything, that's probably a good thing now though. I finished up some docs and stuff and sent them to her manager, but the manager has been ignoring it... whatever, all that's left unfulfilled if I died today would be some pictures. Not important. I uninstalled Tekken 8. I'm going to keep studying bits of Japanese, but only continuing my "for no purpose" reasoning.

Still bummed out I guess by the confirmation. I got what I expected and had been assuming, but the final-ness I guess is harder to accept than I thought. Oh well. Maybe if I reframe it as practice for a future girl, or practice spoiling a daughter I'll never have... I dunno. Or just accept it for what it was.

Will I do the same sort of thing next December? I really don't know. I still think back to my original commitment in 2022, it was something like "You're faced with a choice now. You can support her and make her life a tiny bit better, or you can ignore her; either way, there's no benefit to you, it's never going to go anywhere, but you can be a little benefit to her, and maybe that'll sometimes feel nice? The monetary amounts involved from your side aren't actually that much." I decided to support. But my lower-middle-class upbringing and values of frugalness/thriftiness really put a sour taste in my mouth about the last bit. I won't share the number, but I keep pretty good track of my finances. And yet, it's less than a bitcoin even after nearly 3 years, and she's worth more than a bitcoin to me. Still. It's absurd, when you look at it as a fraction of my normal years' expenses. If the yen remains weak, then I probably won't mind. If it gets strong though, I might decline.

All I can really do is just wish her the best. Maybe one day she'll find someone who makes her as crazy as I am about her.

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Posted on 2025-01-10 by Jach

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