Getting over someone sucks

It's not my first time, actually it's nothing new, but that doesn't make it any easier to get through

It's a pollutant of the mind. Frequent and daily thoughts about her and how I must be a terrible person, I must have done various missteps, some I can plausibly point to, some I have no idea about so always wondering whether such and such was a mistake, but if such and such other thing was then that's kind of unfair anyway to hate me for because in most contexts including that one it's fine but sure what the hell I'll take responsibility for them anyway. Self-blame is a game I don't mind even if it doesn't feel good.

It took me too many years getting over the first one. I think my brain has physically shrunk from the first time. I'm glad it ended with the two of us being able to still talk to each other every so often, though, and be pretty honest and transparent and talk about whatever subject. I still care about her, but not like I used to, and I don't think about her that much. We met and caught up over a meal when I visited Canada last month, it was nice, the time before that was two years ago.

This second time of getting over someone though is different in a lot of ways. It's taught me a lot about new kinds of frustrations to try and manage, frustrations I had no idea were possible. For instance: I've had the philosophy that if you can just talk to people honestly about things, that helps resolve a lot, and I've had some difficult conversations with people, but I think it was good to have had them. But when you can't have conversations at all with someone, you can't even have honest communication. The frustration of not being able to communicate is one I've had to learn to manage that I never thought I would before. I get a bit crazy sometimes too thinking negative thoughts not just about me but about her as well -- usually I think hey, she's smart enough to not think this obviously wrong and unfair thing... but what if she does anyway? I can't read her mind. But she can't read mine either and might believe some false things. And we can't just talk and hash things out, clear the air, or resolve any misunderstandings. Ah well, it doesn't matter. I don't care that much about myself so why should I care what others may or may not think about me? (I often say my feelings don't matter, and I believe that, but alas they are still there...)



Some thoughts are just repetitive from before. They're shared by thoughts in that song.

A couple years before I hit 30 I wrote a poem with a line: "Maybe when I'm thirty I'll surely be well." Well I wouldn't say I was well but I was pretty ok! I had a respite from a lot of negative thinking about myself. Things weren't bad overall, despite the pandemic lock downs. 2021 came around, I toured the country and didn't really find a good place I had to move to and start living again, but whatever, I still thought maybe. 2022 began the current downfall. "Maybe when I'm forty I'll surely be well." Well at least I'll have learned even more lessons.

I really wonder what my counterfactual life would have been like if I had a gf during those years of getting over the first one. Instead of all the thoughts cementing my self-perception, which I still think as fundamentally true, as a loser, and other things, that brainpower could have been used for more productive ends. I suppose it's a minor miracle I've come as far as I have with all this self-debilitating distraction going on daily in my head. I just wonder sometimes what more life could have been. And when I eventually get over this one (I will) what it could possibly be in the future.

In the meantime, it sucks. But that's enough of this "woe is me" bullshit. Just felt like venting to the void a bit.

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Posted on 2025-08-16 by Jach

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